Love and Space

There are many ways we can say “I love you” to our lover, spouse, or friend, and the strongest expressions don’t involve words or material gifts. Our most powerful communications are actions, not words, which are mental artifacts. “Actions speak louder than words.” Actions are the language of the Limbic system and Reptilian brain.

When you are in a love relationship, be it 5th house or 7th house, you can say, “I love you” most poignantly by giving your other space in which s/he can experience her/himself. You may find this a bit odd, but bear with me as we hike into a mysterious part of the forest…

Some Psychological and Philosophical Context

I have often read and thought that the universe is infinite, and here is another manifestation of infinity. I grew up thinking that togetherness was about togetherness. But I now realize that it is also about separateness. Because one can only to be together with an other when one is separate. Love and “space” (separateness) are siamese twins.

When I really think about the concept of “togetherness,” the main idea is that two or more separate beings are grouped. And they have to have a certain level of free will. Two rocks that have tumbled down the hill because your foot loosened them so they end up sitting side by side aren’t really “together” in the sense I mean here. They “end up” together through no fault of their own.

If I am an individual person who is aware of who he is, I may come together with an other person who is similarly aware, at some level at least. We may choose to be together. Being together means sharing space, physical, mental, emotional, and psychic. It means choosing to relate, and that choice is key to the specialness of being together.

Another element of magic: when you both give your selves space and support the other in having space—being your individual selves—you increase your love because you are enabling the other’s self to have what it needs, and your self to have what it needs. And those selves are grateful and love even more. It is how you can be separate AND together.

Creating Love by Giving Space

Love and space are siamese twins…

Let’s pause a minute to take this in. We can’t come together unless we are grounded in our separateness. And intimate 5th and 7th house relationships challenge our separateness. Love and joy with an other is one of the most exhilarating experiences I have had. Since it is so rare, it is precious, and my primitive brain wants to hoard or possess something that is so precious, and this is off-base because nothing may be possessed.

When we’re in an intense intimate relationship, we transcend our individual selves by definition because we experience feelings and thoughts in ways that we don’t experience when we’re alone. This togetherness challenges our individuality, especially when we’ve spent a long time fighting for it. This situation creates a delicious tension, an opportunity to dance with chance and danger.

We all vary in our needs for connecting with our selves, but let’s say that we all have this need to some extent. When you’re having an intense emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual coupling, your individual self is shaking in its boots, which is part of the ecstasy. So we need space to check in with our selves, and our other does, too. We have nothing to risk, nothing to give, if we are not grounded in self. 

Our ability to be intimate depends on our connection to our individual selves. So when you’re having an intense relationship, one of the best things you can do is to be alone enough to reconnect with your individual self. Just as important, realize that your other has this need, too, even though his/her awareness of this need may vary. If you watch your other’s actions carefully, listen to her tone of voice, watch her body language, you can sense when would be a good time to give her space. Also watch your self to learn when you need to be alone; our internal unconscious selves do not communicate with words, but actions.

I have also found that my ability to sense others is largely dependent on my groundedness in self. If I know where I’m at with me, I am less likely to project or distort my perceptions of others.

Love and Space and Creative Tension

The Difference Between Giving Space and Rejection

Before wandering into my dark night journey, I lived with scant knowledge of my self, and one of my key defenses was withdrawing into my self for protection (Saturn in rulership in 12th). And the situation that sparked the withdrawal was usually anger or fear (I needed safety). I observe other people and hear my clients, too, and this withdrawal into self is quite common. 

Giving space is completely different because it’s not a withdrawal; it is not done in anger or fear. We can do this when we are grounded in our selves, when we realize that aloneness is the basis for our ability to be intimate: only when I am connected to my self—my deepest feelings, hopes, fears, passions—can I share them with an other. And intense experiences change all these deep feelings, so we need periodic “regroundings.”

Confronting Cultural Barriers

All cultures in which I’ve lived undervalue aloneness, and most of us have a bias towards being with other people; this is even in our DNA! Be alert to your defenses against your need for aloneness; they may emerge as pooh-poohing an idea that flits across your mind, an idea that involves something you usually do while you’re alone. Your unconscious is not verbal, but it unleashes ideas out of the blue that serve as symbols. For example, let’s say your other doesn’t like xx kind of food, and you’re commuting back from work, and it occurs to you that you’d really like some xx food tonight. That could be a sign that you need some time alone. As you get to know your other better, you can tune into these signals from him/her, too. 

You may think, “This is silly: just ask him/her!” This is very logical, and it’s a good thing to do in general. However, the unconscious is the prime mover in deep emotions and risk-taking, and it is beyond the awareness of the conscious mind by definition. Actions, yours and hers/his, are more reliable. 

Actions are especially important because, when you’re having an intense love relationship, your bias is likely to be maximizing your time together because it is so beautiful and rare. We are likely to neglect our individual selves.

Be on the lookout for the tendency to undervalue aloneness, in your self and your other, and honor the tension. It is a delicious part of the journey.